It’s been a year (at least) of figuring myself out. Financially speaking, I’ve invested quite the chunk of change in order to discover that thing that makes me feel like I have a purpose. I know what the feeling is like; I just need to find it again.
So far I’ve spent money on:
- Cello playing
- Administrative career
Of all these things, there is one item that I have continued to return to for the past 15+ years: writing. I can’t quite figure out why I’ve continued to put it to the side for other endeavors. It has been the one thing that I can create myself that gives me hope for my future. It sounds terrible, I know, but sometimes you just need a hobby to make life worth living.
I’m lucky that I have the luxury of self-discovery still. If Grant and I had decided on children, my main focus in life would be completely different: raising a decent human being and drinking cocktails to drown out the noise of my other interests. In many ways Grant is fortunate to have the ability to find outlets for his creativity and to also maintain his momentum. Unlike me, Grant has the ability to complete what he starts and to keep pushing through when his motivation waivers.
My personal motto is to “be amazing”, but I keep sabotaging myself or allowing myself to sit around like a giant lump when there are things I’d rather be doing. I’ve got to commit to my motto completely and remove the barriers that I am allowing myself to run into.
Some things that create distractions/enable barriers to personal success:
- Facebook (srsly)
- Sims games (when I play these, my mind says, “this is how you can completely waste your time!”)
That’s it, really. Everything else I do actually feels productive. Reading is, in and of itself, a worthwhile hobby. If I were to spend a weekend finishing 2-3 books, then I would dub that weekend a total success.
This post is all over the place, but I needed to get my thoughts down in an area that I would most likely read again. Writing journal entries in my physical notebook or in Word is great, but rarely re-read. The benefit to journaling is self discovery – making sense of the thoughts that swirl in my head on the day to day.
The main thing I need to keep in mind when it comes to poetry/writing:
The main purpose isn’t to make money or get an exclusive contract. The main purpose is to share my work with others, be recognized, and be desired. It’s OK (and encouraged) to share my work with others outside of the literary journal process. It’s OK to self-publish. It’s OK to put myself out there and hope for the best.
I still worry that my work will be stolen and I won’t even know it. I suppose that could happen anyway with “real” publishing. The truth is: there are so many people out there doing the same thing – all of us looking for some kind of involvement and recognition. I’m not doing myself any favors by squirreling away my thoughts on my own computer when that’s not what I really want.
Writing, to me, is catharsis. It’s the way in which I become at peace with the world. It’s how I internalize it and how I keep myself sane. I’ve got to stop denying myself this simple pleasure.